Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice Review

 

Batman v Superman - Dawn of Justice

Lee gives his opinion on superhero spectacle Batman v Superman, while Maria tells it like it is.

LeeButton

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice challenged us with a script dripping in deeper meaning and abstract, philosophical questions. So, in order to portray how this kind of posturing affects dialogue in a screenplay, please enjoy this review of Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice written with the same principles that were applied to the movie; bearing in mind that much of the point of dialogue in a movie is to allow the audience some direct insight into either what is happening or how a character feels in a given moment or on a certain topic, similar to how a review explains from the critic’s perspective what happened in a movie or how the critic feels about that movie.

How was this film? Let me tell you, but first, consider this. If an alien were to represent an immortal man, how would you first express this? One of the foundations of our culture, nay, the being that defines our oeuvre and our purpose as a species, is to maintain what is already known widely and express these values to one another so that we may, in turn, gain purpose from them. So repurposing begets purpose? Exactly. And yet, not quite.

What if all of us lack such purpose? What if the very thing we strive for is never made clear? Do we become like the angels, who so duteously follow the command of their omnipotent master? We strive for good, we lead our own; yet we must conclude that conclusions elude our very nature?

And what of chaos? When faced with directionless motion, do we indulge in the very nature that unravels us, or do we hold fast the ground which we know so well?

Where, or when, do we learn to dissimilate fantasies of religion and spirituality and condense into narrative? Before we can accept myth, we must accept our understanding of the myth, and in this case, the myth has little to no bearing on what is being presented, here, as myth. So, then, why do we pursue such facades? Is it that alien and man are not rich enough as fabric with which to weave narrative? Perhaps. Or perhaps we have been drawn to this position by the very hands we deem to wield: The Hands of God.

This movie was fucking terrible.

C-

MariaButton

[ PLOT SUMMARY WITH SPOILERS ]

This movie was shittttt. I was trapped in a cinema with no escape but to crawl over the surrounding sausage-fest who were mildly cheering at a man in underwear fighting a bat. I have only left two films ever before, ‘The Hobbit 2 : Smaug is in it’, and ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 4’; the latter I chose to rather stand aimlessly on a Dublin street in the rain than to finish the Johnny Depp jizz-fest. Needless to say I didn’t escape and had to finish this monstrosity of a film.

Ok so… plot.

The plot in summary seems to be: Angry middle-aged Batman is annoyed that Superman killed ‘Dozens’ of his employees in the finale boss fight of ‘Man of Steel.’

Batman decides to build a Hulk-buster suit to punch Superman back to his home planet. Superman meanwhile is sad that cripples are spray-painting his statue, and starts to get the vibe that maybe being considered a ‘god’ isn’t that great. He gets called to a Mrs. Incredible fronted hearing, due to the orchestrations of a probably-not-too-far-from-real-life Jesse Eisenberg. Jesse is annoyed because….some…reason..?

Anyway Jesse decides to bring back Zed? Zorg? Zomeone related to Superman and he must challenge him or something…ok I’m really getting lost.

WONDER WOMAN is a woman who is in PHOTOGRAPHS and she’s mad! She must stop Jesse from…from… LOOKING AT HER PHOTOGRAPHS!! She steals the stick! Batman wanted that stick…so..so later he gets it back. All pointless really. Batman emails Wonder Woman with all the info anyway.

BEST PART, Wonder Woman opens the email to discover that Jesse Eisenberg has designed all the logos for the Avengers! She decides to open each file for the Justice League unnecessarily out of order and we see a clip of various heroes doing very mild acts of heroism.

Meanwhile, Lois Lane is… um. MEANWHILE, Superman isn’t blown up at the courtroom. Am I halfway there? Please?

Batman fights Superman in the hulk suit. Then they truce. Wait..Superman’s mother was in the film somewhere. Was it here? Oh and Lawrence Fishburne! Was he doing something? I don’t ….think so.

Ok this is dragging on now.

I’ve legitimately forgotten what happened at this point.

I remember Jesse Eisenberg was standing on a helipad in Gotham? Metropolis? Were these cities always just across a river?

WHAT THE FUCK IS ‘THE THING’ DOING HERE

I don’t know what universe I’m in any more 😦

Then there’s some fighting and Lois Lane nearly drowns under a rock and they all defeat the Thing and Jesse Eisenberg shaves his head.

Superman ‘dies’.

The end.

[/END PLOT SUMMARY. NOT SPOILERS THOUGH]

I was ready to leave this film after the opening. I really tried to like it, I did! I went in with high hopes because I like Henry Cavill as an actor, Ben Affleck has never offended me and it seems like a good old action romp.

Why didn’t I like it though?

  • I thought the reliance on CGI was too heavy and terribly executed.
  • Lois Lane flirted with the idea of being anything but a damsel in distress, and yet, was nothing but a damsel in distress – saved a record 3 times by Superman in a single film.
  • The colouring was too dark, not gritty and atmospheric, just dark and blue and boring.
  • The ‘God’ metaphors did my head in. The script felt like it was torn from the Bible – not in an influential, ambiguous and applicable way, but in an excluding, self-congratulating and preachy way.
  • The flashbacks of Batman were confusing and got in the way of the story.
  • Jesse Eisenberg
  • Superman ‘dies’.
  • Wonder Woman reading an email one line at a time.
  • Batman typing an email one line at a time.
  • Cinematography was terrible and I didn’t know what I was looking at half the time.
  • Ben Affleck just looked bored.

Unfortunately the saving grace, Jeremy Irons’ sardonic and hilarious portrayal of Alfred, wasn’t enough to rescue this ‘so-bad-it’s-terrible’ film from the F I am awarding it. One of the few awards that this film will ever receive.

F

(This review was originally posted 29/04/16)

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2 thoughts on “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice Review

  1. Pingback: 2016 in [Big Picture] Review | Big Picture Reviews

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